justagirl's ramblings.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

THE HOLIDAY

had a rather mixed day today.

lost something. gained something

thank god sue was there. she's one of the jewel friends i have in my life who truly care for me :) thanks babe!

we caught a chick flick, the holiday, to dwell in our little sisterly moods.

it's incredibly touching and romantic. and it spells some truth in the way we human beings view love and relationships. i suppose some things are really universal.

cameron and kate exchanged homes to run away from the issues in their love life.

i can tell you tat i've done that.

cameron's character lost the ability to cry after her parents divorced. well sad to say this but i'm heading there soon.

i used to be a crybaby, crying easily whenever i feel touched. the sad thing is i hardly cry anymore, or rather i feel stoned and forgot to feel. the only time i really cried last year was when i went to church and visited my late mum....when i felt so down about someone. i felt the held back tears flooding my eyes and flowing freely....as if they were released from some long prison sentence.

perhaps in a way, i goto acknowledge that whenever something bad happens in the family or in my life, i was taught not to cry about it. to be strong. to be matured. to do the right thing. to lend my shoulder for others to cry on.

yet, in a tragic way, this ate away part of me. the softer side. or some may say the feminine side.

what's left is perhaps the bitter, sarcastic, aggressive side of me.

and maybe once in a while, i would cry. but for now...i'll just shed a few tears, and that's it. tears wiped away without ruining the mascara.

as for kate's character, i saw some of her in me. how i took shit from people just way too much. how i can love someone until it hurt so badly. how i placed other people's interests before my own until my heart bleeds.

all i can say now is. i've grown more selfish. i'm too afraid to share my love to the one i love. so now only close friends and family will have that side of me for now.

i suppose the movie said a lot of things.

maybe we should all take a holiday from ourselves so that we can restart from the beginning and really see ourselves in a fresher perspective, not one that is tainted with so much pain...that the lies we tell ourselves chain us to doom.

but one thing my friend dawn reminded me was so true.

"i guess what we should be proud of is that we loved."

maybe.

perhaps

who knows.

perhaps, true faith can be scarey after all.

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