FALLING DOWN ON A SLOPE
this morning, i woke up really early to meet up with niki and ronny to blade at east coast.
it was a fantastic morning..with good weather, sunny and not too hot. so thank god the rain went away. but anyway, as compared to niki who has been doing it since jc days and ronny who's like practising it for a year.....i'm such a beginner!
it was quite embarassing la...making my friends wait. but evil them used that tactic to make me blade more and were absolutely encouraging la. heh
then it came to a point i had to go down this slope. each of them held my hand and i fell down.
i guess i wasn't confident in the first place. especially in the area of physical activity, i'm like a very very slow learner, takes me longer than normal people to pick up a sport or even do something at the right posture and so on. perhaps a horrible childhood when i was coughing my guts away and eating all possible medicine didn't help.
yes, the background was the azure skyline, sweet smell of sea breeze and families and expat couple cycling away.
yet there i was..clumsily trying to get a balance on my blades.
it's the fourth time for me. and somehow with each time...i got slightly better.
finally i threw in the towel after 40 minutes blading away as my toes got numb from the action.
as ronny and niki bladed away while i slowly strolled back to the car park, i was thinking to myself on how i easily gave up on things that required too much time.
- i took up piano for 8 years and gave up after grade 4 because i lost the interest and i hated the piano teacher
- i gave up choir during secondary school when i could have developed depth in that area. (well yeah i returned to the choral scene in jc..but that's it. i didn't take the chance to further my development in choral singing when my choir master offered to take me in his private choir.)
- i gave up my dream for journalism after painfully trying it for 4 years and feeling discontented in myself.
- i'm contemplating giving up my current career and moving on.
Perhaps the slope is the perfect metaphor for my hopeless penchant to throw in the towel. it's like when i start out something, i have so much zest and aspiration for it, but when it came to the crunch...when i finally reach the slope...and got to have the courage to give it all up..close my eyes and just simply do it despite what's before me.
i give up.
because i'm afraid of falling down/failing/wasting my time.
i don't know. sometimes fear comes up to strangle you because of the following reasons
1) you already failed enough times to have the determination not to fear again. so it's a defeatist syndrome?
2) sometimes you are so close to success...and yet fear comes up and grabs it away from you.
i've failed enough times in life...and as i told some of my friends, sometimes i'm tired of fighting. i'm tired of trying too hard. i'm tired of working hard to get what i want only to see someone doing it better than me with less effort. i'm tired of being disappointed.
then again, ronny said something to me which was quite enlightening.
"sometimes good things are hard to get."
true.
perhaps i should have more faith in myself and push on...
yes i will strive to blade well...and of course do well in other aspects of my life.
sometimes u just goto roll on...fall down... have faith... that somehow, in the midst of chaotic attempts...you finally get it.
it was a fantastic morning..with good weather, sunny and not too hot. so thank god the rain went away. but anyway, as compared to niki who has been doing it since jc days and ronny who's like practising it for a year.....i'm such a beginner!
it was quite embarassing la...making my friends wait. but evil them used that tactic to make me blade more and were absolutely encouraging la. heh
then it came to a point i had to go down this slope. each of them held my hand and i fell down.
i guess i wasn't confident in the first place. especially in the area of physical activity, i'm like a very very slow learner, takes me longer than normal people to pick up a sport or even do something at the right posture and so on. perhaps a horrible childhood when i was coughing my guts away and eating all possible medicine didn't help.
yes, the background was the azure skyline, sweet smell of sea breeze and families and expat couple cycling away.
yet there i was..clumsily trying to get a balance on my blades.
it's the fourth time for me. and somehow with each time...i got slightly better.
finally i threw in the towel after 40 minutes blading away as my toes got numb from the action.
as ronny and niki bladed away while i slowly strolled back to the car park, i was thinking to myself on how i easily gave up on things that required too much time.
- i took up piano for 8 years and gave up after grade 4 because i lost the interest and i hated the piano teacher
- i gave up choir during secondary school when i could have developed depth in that area. (well yeah i returned to the choral scene in jc..but that's it. i didn't take the chance to further my development in choral singing when my choir master offered to take me in his private choir.)
- i gave up my dream for journalism after painfully trying it for 4 years and feeling discontented in myself.
- i'm contemplating giving up my current career and moving on.
Perhaps the slope is the perfect metaphor for my hopeless penchant to throw in the towel. it's like when i start out something, i have so much zest and aspiration for it, but when it came to the crunch...when i finally reach the slope...and got to have the courage to give it all up..close my eyes and just simply do it despite what's before me.
i give up.
because i'm afraid of falling down/failing/wasting my time.
i don't know. sometimes fear comes up to strangle you because of the following reasons
1) you already failed enough times to have the determination not to fear again. so it's a defeatist syndrome?
2) sometimes you are so close to success...and yet fear comes up and grabs it away from you.
i've failed enough times in life...and as i told some of my friends, sometimes i'm tired of fighting. i'm tired of trying too hard. i'm tired of working hard to get what i want only to see someone doing it better than me with less effort. i'm tired of being disappointed.
then again, ronny said something to me which was quite enlightening.
"sometimes good things are hard to get."
true.
perhaps i should have more faith in myself and push on...
yes i will strive to blade well...and of course do well in other aspects of my life.
sometimes u just goto roll on...fall down... have faith... that somehow, in the midst of chaotic attempts...you finally get it.
posted by justagirl @ 8:34 PM
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