doubt and renewal of faith
there are some moments in life you believe so strongly in something and yet that something eludes you even more? have you ever had those heart wrenching moments that feel like a lifetime...tormenting you every single and every minute?
that was how i felt since young. the depth of loneliness, alienation, being ostracised, having great deal of self-doubt, low self-esteem, feelings of rejection and being undermined.
somehow i managed to still do pretty decently in life despite the above.
i always believe that there is a certain super power up there who looks after us, despite the sufferings that we go through in life.
but of course, like any typical whiny human being, i would indulge in self pity and cynical doubt in everything else except myself.
then today...somehow..i sort of figured things out once again.
i was reading time magazine's coverage on mother theresa's once unpublicised letters, where she revealed a great deal of doubt on her faith and therefore despite it all...she still went ahead with her vision of helping the poorest of the poor.
of course naysayers might say she is not as almighty as the media or the church has put her to be.
but seriously speaking, who are we to comment on what she has done with such great insight and courage?
i guess i can understand how mother theresa must have felt in all those years of loneliness..the feelings of being abandoned by god.
and worse still...having people around you who view your insecurity and sense of abandonment as a silly sign of immaturiy of faith.
there were times i felt totally abandoned...and fed to the dogs by god. sometimes i do question myself and him and everyone else...if god really loves me...why does he put me through so much shit.
ya..everyone has his or her own shit to clear in life.
but i always felt.. it's wrong for us to judge other people's tribulations because...we are not in that situation and therefore not in the right position to judge.
all in all... doubt and faith may reinforce each other in the end.
that was how i felt since young. the depth of loneliness, alienation, being ostracised, having great deal of self-doubt, low self-esteem, feelings of rejection and being undermined.
somehow i managed to still do pretty decently in life despite the above.
i always believe that there is a certain super power up there who looks after us, despite the sufferings that we go through in life.
but of course, like any typical whiny human being, i would indulge in self pity and cynical doubt in everything else except myself.
then today...somehow..i sort of figured things out once again.
i was reading time magazine's coverage on mother theresa's once unpublicised letters, where she revealed a great deal of doubt on her faith and therefore despite it all...she still went ahead with her vision of helping the poorest of the poor.
of course naysayers might say she is not as almighty as the media or the church has put her to be.
but seriously speaking, who are we to comment on what she has done with such great insight and courage?
i guess i can understand how mother theresa must have felt in all those years of loneliness..the feelings of being abandoned by god.
and worse still...having people around you who view your insecurity and sense of abandonment as a silly sign of immaturiy of faith.
there were times i felt totally abandoned...and fed to the dogs by god. sometimes i do question myself and him and everyone else...if god really loves me...why does he put me through so much shit.
ya..everyone has his or her own shit to clear in life.
but i always felt.. it's wrong for us to judge other people's tribulations because...we are not in that situation and therefore not in the right position to judge.
all in all... doubt and faith may reinforce each other in the end.
posted by justagirl @ 2:51 PM
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