NICHE

Many years ago in a little church at one of Singapore's not-so-rich districts, a twelve-year-old and her peers were forced to be in this little crammed room for some lesson on the BIG Guy, Mr J.

even at that young age, that young lady was feeling cynical and negative about life as a whole, and saw herself as the ultimate loser of it all.

However, when the young facilitator said something, she listened and pondered for a while.

"every one has a gift....even you derrick, you have the gift of music...."

"god has given each of us a gift.......and it's up to us to find it."

The little girl felt that she didn't have a significant gift at all, nothing that will make her stand out from the crowd or impactful enough.

Basically, she only wanted to be the best.

But nothing she did was good enough to assure her that what she did was enough.

more than 10 years passed on, and that girl has to face her own classful of unsure teenagers who did not have a clue about how special each of them were.

Although that girl isn't in the most swanky outfit, her pocket has not gone very deep, and she still lives in an apartment many detractors labelled as a pigeon hole,

her soul was filled up.

She could stand up and hold her head high because

even though she wasn't the smartest,
she wasn't the prettiest
she wasn't the slimmest
she wasn't the most popular person
she wasn't the tallest

she knew she had found the gift which god has planted in her ever since she was born...

but she was too preoccupied by her flaws that she never noticed what she really was good at.

And i am that girl.

:)

Thanks to a dear friend j, who had inspired me to write this blog.

I just feel that when you have that special gift from god....no matter where you are...and what you wanted to do.............. you'll always be obsessed over that gift not because you're so good at it..but because you were born to fulfill god's promises and you are part of his plan.

AT A GLANCE

Phew~ finally, i've got some breathing space after last week's marathon of preparing for lessons, doing more work, marking more work.... preparing for some stuff. just feels so overwhelmed at times.

yes it's almost June 2006!

ok let's do some recap exercise.

one year ago......... i got to know few groups of people and happy to say, i've got to know a few good friends from the lot. Seriously, i don't need millions of friends to play with me, just one sincere heart who would share his or her life story with me would do. :)

of course, being in a huge group of people feels wonderful because you feel a sense of belonging, but the question is....is there anything beyond fun?

how many days can you spend doing the same things over and over again?

i don't know but somehow i do know that eventually everyone has to grow up.

and huge groups will eventually shrink and whoever's left is indeed worth keeping as a friend.

i guess that's my life story basically.

at every stage, i belong to millions of cliques......drifting clique to clique, getting to know different types of people who speak different lingo and even language.

but i think one thing that binds friendship is trust and love.

without these two values.....the friendship will surely tarnish with time.

one of my dear friends told me that eventually one day i would anchor at one group and never drift further on. But frankly speaking, that will never happen to me, because i do love exploring from group to group.............

because if i stuck to one group, i'll always look at the world in such myopic eye view, take certain trivial stuff as the center of my world or worse still......have only one perspective on everything.

I've gained a lot by mixing around..... getting to know all types of people, and in the end, i still formed meaningful friendships with that selected few whom i cherish a lot with. :)

TIRED TIRED TIRED

yeah the busy week just went past like that.

my record of the week staying back at office until 8pm. hee.

sorry to friends .... i haven't seen you guys in a long time. just feeling overwhelmed at the load of stuff i goto do and finish heh.

but basically i enjoy the work and the sense of achievements it gives me.

WASN'T IT JUST YESTERDAY?

Before you move on to read my entries, pardon me if i've been talking too much about school and the kids in general, since i don't really have much a life, other than working, going home, going to church, and occasionally meet up with close friends. So there you have it, you've been warned.

Just thinking about how funny it is...to mentor a class which reminds me so much about my own class way back in jc.

The personalities.

The clowns.

The quiet ones.

The people who bond the class together.

The casual jokes.

The tough times of keeping to deadlines.

The naggings.

The praises.

The ups and downs.

Basically... it felt like almost yesterday... was telling it to my two jc classmates on msn, yen and boon. I don't know, i suppose boon said it when he said that we had a fantastic class. I feel blessed by that, and hopefully my form class will find that identity in them as well.

it's just strange, revisiting one's emotions, thoughts, feelings, fears, blessings all over again... the only difference is...i'm now the observer and not the participant.

WASN'T IT JUST YESTERDAY?

RANDOM THOUGHTS....IN THE EARLY MORN

1. I can transit through the different social circles, the different worlds and yet i belong to none at all. So i'm merely a traveller who wears different social clothes and engages in code-switching of behaviours and speech.

2. Is the past impossible to erase.......or will the future haunt us more?

3. Which is worse......fearing the dark or the light?

4. Are people more afraid of being lost or being found?

5. Are friends truly forever? Or do they just come in with a short-term visa pass in our lives to serve a purpose before continuing on their own journey?

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

saturday night was fab.

went out with my nie friends for some chitchat and catch-up.

after the dinner, accompanied one of them to join her other friends at some pub by the beach side. :)

the band was really good.... the leading vocalist had the raw sexy voice that a very old school rock band would have. think of bryan adams and bon jovi variety.

her friends were ultra friendly and i really enjoyed myself :)

I find that mixing around in the different social circles one is used to makes one more open to other ideas and of course more socially aware.

yeah. all in all..i had fun.
just what i really need after a burnt-out week at work.

STATIONS OF THE CROSS

last night, my sisters and i headed down to church at night to attend the stations of the cross.

basically it's to commemorate good friday, where jesus christ was betrayed more than 2000 years ago in order to save all of mankind.

it started with how he was handed over to the roman authorities for supposed treason.

and how he suffered on the cross.

it was a really good session as it was held outside the church compounds.

each of us held a candle and watched the powerpoint presentation which unfolded before us....while we all gathered together to mourn for our saviour's death under the magnificent blanket of stars.

It was an amazing experience, even though i've been a cradle catholic...going through more than 20 years worth of good friday.

there were some songs and sayings which made me think about life in general.

1) have i ever accused anyone wrongfully?
2) should i accept my suffering more peacefully?
3) should i forgive those who have hurt me so badly?

i suppose the answer to the above are all yes definitely. it's not easy.

never is easy.

that's what friends are for

the fact that no man is an island has become such a cliche simply shows how much everyone of us...even among those of us who aspire to be hermits......need friends.

of course because we're all so different, we see friends in a different light, different perspective as we all have different needs and wants.

...since i'm stressed at work...somehow inspiration will struck by and say hello to this blog. so here goes.

FRIENDS ARE OUR COMPANIONS

Yes. even if we cannot find the lover who will love and cherish us, surely it's more achieveable to find a friend who's willing to share a cup of coffee, watch a movie, drink a jug of beer with, to go shopping with, watch a game of soccer, play a game of basketball, do manicures together, ..........and the list simply goes on.

human nature is such that.... according to some famous sociologist...... without social interaction we can never ever hope to develop properly. apparently one girl who was raised by wolves... didn't fully develop her cognitive development, due to lack of exposure to the human race.

Yes so we need friends because it's simply more fun to do something with someone else.

Even with activites which seem to promote solitute and individualism...such as online gaming, fishing, reading.... what's the fun in doing it when you have no one to share your passion with.

FRIENDS ARE OUR EMOTIONAL PILLARS

For me... my friends were truly the emotional support which i cherished and something which my parents and siblings can never provide.

My parents are from a different generation, while my siblings were too young to understand me.

So instead of suffering in solitude...it's much more fun hanging out with people who have similar problems as you do. hee

FRIENDS HELP US GROW

Books can never tell you much about success in a human world as they are always so outdated. personally... friends were the ones who made me realise my different facets and help me to grow up.

my jc friends made me more socially aware, i've learnt a great deal from them....on how to get along with people from various backgrounds. and truly...it's a skill i cherish until today :)

my university friends too made me discover a different side of me, perhaps the party animal unleashed? heh.

like one of my friends said that i seem to be one of the few non-gaming persons who gets along very well with her and her gaming friends.

truth be told........i learnt to socially adapt to different groups through trial and error. :)

of course... i used to hang onto old friendships and wonder why on earth did they fade away with time.

then i realise that every friend that you meet at different phases of your life serves a different purpose.

They are together with you during that interval of your life journey to serve whatever purpose which you placed emphasis on.

certainly...as we grow older...our expecations and wants and needs changes and so do our friends.

so whoever out there has been a friend to me...even for a short period of time...like to thank you for giving me that special life experience :)

JUST SHOOT ME

Heh. today was really refreshing as i get to get up later than usual. usually before any sane person is up...i'm already awake..getting ready for work.

but today...because i'm on a course. i get to catch a few more winks of sleep.

and best of all..i learn to shoot people.

heh.

yes...air pistol and air rifle.

i never knew guns were so intriguing (ok la..this is singapore...so this is as close as i can get to some form of a gun :p)

yes..so today i learn quite a bit..outside my usual spectrum of interests.....and i definitely got enlightened about the shooting business.

it's not just aim and shoot.

there's poise, balance, co-ordination, mental resilience and so much more.

i really enjoy doing this because it's so relaxing.... coz..unlike those bang bang, thank you madam type of scenes you see in the movies... shooting with an air pistol involved patience and "feeling".

i know it sounds weird but apparently pulling the trigger is a gentle business. one has to slowly do it.

and once you "got the moment"...you can release it. (now, now people, keep your imagination tame.)

yeah. this is the sort of thing to revive the hum drums of my mundane working life.

instead of having bad thoughts of killing myself (of course meant in jest) and other people around me..........i can just shoot.... at a piece of cardboard. :)

just wished i had discovered this sport sooner..who knows..i might excel in it..given that i still have perfect eyesight at an age of 25. :) heh

okie dokie... before anyone wants to shoot me..i shall end my draggy post.

this is just a momentary burst of excitement.

Tata

JUST A BIT OF SLEEP

heh. guess what.

just a lot of sleep helped to perk me up back to my normal mode.

talk about man and machines...we ain't so different eh?

work us too hard...we'll both break down.

Make us idle for too long...we'll just hang out :p

i suppose i just need a lot more sleep than i'm getting. sigh

beauty, beauty sleep.

hard to find....hard to have....and hard to maintain.

faith and the lack of it

if there's ever a time i feel like my faith in general is waning, it is this time.

my faith in people, my faith in myself and my faith in god.

i don't know, i just feel a little overwhelmed now.

everyone's expectations of me is just too high sometimes.......i'm just too tired of considering other people's feelings all the time.

a little voice deep within would shout, " what about me?"

i just feel too too tired and exhausted always putting people's interest, likes, dislikes, etc in front of mine.

i also have my own needs and wishes......and it's just too tiring to be on the giving side always.

which explains my little impatience of late.

i suppose i've always been a hard worker...... not very talented in many things. but some people take for granted that i am gifted in those areas.

truth be told...whatever strength you see that i have, it's the fruit of many years of hard work and passion.

and in a strange way...i'm compensating my lack of faith in myself with sheer hard work on the side.

these two pressures are making me lose faith in god.

yes deep down i know it's wrong to do so....

and yes my trials will go by. blahblahblah.

just feel sometimes why on earth is he making me go through this?

is he trying to drive me up the wall?

argh.

i guess all in all...i just need a vacation. and some time alone to sort these negatives feelings out. ;)

BONDING

i remembered 8 years ago when i was in jc...i loved my class very much.

initially, there were bonding issues and yet it was resolved with much hard work. it was difficult.

but now... i feel even more inept.

just being the outsider who merely guides others to lead.

it's painful to see them make mistakes........

but at the same time, i know it's necessary for them to experience life.

to experience failure

and also to experience success after much hard work.

like dear sue told me..... sometimes no point burdening myself with all this, i should let them handle the problems.

perhaps yes...i should.

:)

the comfort zone

just when i get into my uncomfortable zone, i feel really itchy and grouchy. (figuratively of course). wondering when things will finally settle down. i believe that when things do finally settle down, it will just cause things to be stagnant....which is why i realise how i had moved on from one passion to another.

i used to be very into choral singing when i was younger believe it or not....used to engage in some leadership role in school before getting bored. .....

used to write quite a fair bit of poems (haha mostly love forlorn types...) and articles for some student newspaper... penning away my whimsical thoughts and unpolitically correct opinions.

then i suppose...being someone who's described as "three-minute hot" -> singlish term for losing interest in things after three minutes of experimenting with them. (again figuratively), i suddenly reckoned what is the thing i love doing all my life.

I love learning about things...new things... new arenas.....

and most of all i love telling people about the things i've learnt about.

i guess perhaps that's why i love teaching so much. it provides a platform for me to share knowledge and information which can be so enticing. :)

yes...i'm a slow learner when it comes to discovering my life's callig.

perhaps this journey of discovery with many detours is for a reason -> to make me cherish and learn more as a result :)

so what is your true calling in life? have you already found it?

THE APRIL WEEKEND

yes the past week was merely work, work, work, work and work.

it was terrible. all these work just makes me such a dull girl, according to one of my guyfriends. he told me, "eh, ever since you started working, you became so boring."

sob.

yes! now i belong to one of the statistics of overworked human beings in the globe.

but hell....... when one is feeling tired and busy and ill.... boring is a smaller sin than erm not getting any rest. :)

then again, once i had sufficient rest over saturday.....i decided to go out and just spend some quality time with my boy :)

it was simple and not elaborated date.

yes. i guess we've upgraded to the "now-boring" couple stage.

gone are the years where we'll purposely dress up to our sunday's best and go to the nicest place to eat and shop.

from fine-dining and wearing pretty clothes..... we just went to eat zhu chao food (coffeeshop chinese food takeaway) in our jeans and normal tees.

and from trying too hard to impress each other.... we just bask in each other's simple company watching some old lame hongkong movies in the wees of the night.

i don't know. maybe i have become boring.

but somehow i feel happier indulging in this simplicity of life.

no more fuss. no more overanalysing.

then again... it just shows how lazy we all have become.........ay