cross

ya i think i'm falling sick. caught the flu virus, making its round the office.

sigh.

went to church yesterday for the regular charismatic service.

i felt absolutely tired and sick and dreary.

but singing those praise songs and listening to the guest speaker commenting on the trials that people face made me feel so much better.

heh.

probably god's tired of hearing me grumble about the lot i have in life.

grumbling about how unfair the world is.

how terrible things can be.

how difficult and heart-wrenching life can be sometimes.

there was a part where he said that "the crosses (trial) in your life are there for a reason and that is to remind you that you need god. without these sufferings, we don't need god at all."

yes this may make god sound like some form of opium, like what some famous philosopher, who was also an overachiever, said.


But i suppose that could be right.

it was only during those times when i felt troubled and down, disappointed and stretched, depths of heartache that i could understand and emphathise other pple's problems better.

i guess life is afterall a journey.

people are never happy with it.

when it's too smooth, people can get too complacent and may complaint that it's too boring.

when it's too rough, people complain that life is unfair.

perhaps the only fair thing in this world is its unfairness, as i told my kids today, when they grumble to me that LIFE IS UNFAIR.

i don't know.

all i told them is.......... the only thing you can change is your mindset.

if you tell yourself something ten times a day......you'll grow to believe it.

THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE QUIZ

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Words of Affirmation.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		11
Words of Affirmation:		8
Physical Touch:		5
Acts of Service:		4
Receiving Gifts:		2

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

drama drama

there are many types of drama unfolding before our very eyes.

the google box.

the newspapers.

the internet

and of course real people that you and I actually know about.

of all these, i suppose the most entertaining drama has to be real life drama.

nay, i don't mean the silly reality tv. how realistic is a tv programme which only depicts "real" people behaving as themselves...only to be editted to a point that it becomes faux and unreal?

What i mean is witnessing how a bunch of people behaving in an infantile manner. Or how some people just simply create drama out of nothing.

their creativity never ceases to amazes me (sigh that depends on how creative they are in creating drama.)

Like one of my indian friends used to quip.......

"you know us indians la.... even when there's no drama, we go and create it. what to do, it's in our blood haha."

the sad thing is. at least the indians seem to have finesse in making their life drama so poetic, whereas some other people i know just create very very blase drama, which only pinpoints some facts.

1) they do not have a life.
2) they need to base their life on other people's lives
3) they do not have a life. therefore, they have nothing better to do.

ha.

yes, the only thing that amazes me....is i'm the delighted spectator.

seriously, like i told some of my friends.

such drama has to be watched and not to get involved in it.

because.

i have a life.

i have better things to do.

and i have better friends and family members to spend my time with. :)

A WEEK IS GONE

yes.

i know i seemed to have abandoned my blog.

truth be told, i've been very very very very busy at work, been going home at 7pm for the past few days.

yes. work is endless.

deadlines are plenty.

spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

but thank god i have such nice colleagues.

nice friends who listen to me whine endlessly about my educational pursuits haha.

today went out with a dear friend for dinner.

we talked a lot and had so much fun together.

seriously..........that's what friendship is about. no creepy drama, bitchiness, suspicion and childish behaviour.

i mean life's already a bitch in itself. don't need to make it worse. ok goto go off soon. bye.

i had a dream last night

i had a dream last night, just like many other nights.

the experience is so vivid and all. it's amazing how the mind can fool you into thinking that sometimes dreams are the reality. i guess most of us would be happy to believe that the dream is real especially when it's so gratifying and something which fulfills our desires.

the sucky part is realising that all that is beautiful is all a hoax.

i dreamt that i was at school, part of some tv crew doing some filming. we did some editing. the beginning shot was some scenes of the runway fashion show, where the models would strut their stuff and the camera crew would simply shoot shoot shoot.

then i woke up.

i guess perhaps this dream shows that despite being in school, being a teacher, i feel stifled in some ways.

i used to be from a faculty culture where anything goes.

creativity is the key and so is tolerance and acceptance of people's radical ideas.

perhaps this dream shows how much i yearn for the past, and yet this past is depicted as some video clip i had editted in the dream.

guess it shows something right? that everything that exists in the google box never makes any sense.

yes i'm edgy. but i guess that side of me will reside quietly for a while in a deep dark corner.

no, i'm not insinuating that teachers are uncreative. perhaps it's the environment and expectations that starve people of creativity.

then again.... the most radical and earth-shaking creative moments were borne out of oppressive times.

ha, guess this sort of thing doesn't happen to the little red dot.

NO MORE PARTYING :)

yes. march shall be my period of prudence man.

quite broke already.

so yes there you go.

i'll just work and rest, work and rest :)

FRIDAY MADNESS

yes. i went out. had a really surreal experience. ha. wanna know? find out from me personally. wink.

got home at 6am.... talked to pple who are from the other side of the planet.

my cousin chris, who's at the usa.

one of my bestest friends, sanjay....who's at the uk.

well...sad to say..sometimes your most favourite people are so far away, whereas the annoying ones are so close by, thinking that you know nuts of what is going on.

yes.. chit chatting chit chat.

yes and i'm up and awake again.

got an appt at noon...then meeting a friend for lunch plus movies... then meeting my nie bunch of friends for drinks..then meeting another friend for clubbing.

life is good.

so good.

THE BIG CLEAN UP

yeah!!! after a long while, i've finally got down to do major spring cleaning in my room.

yesyesyes i am a slob. but i'm not one who can tolerate disgusting levels of filth either.

i guess when i'm working, i'm hardly in the room other than sleeping and watching tv.

so during this week...when i can just sit back and relax.....i realise how disgusting my room was when i wanted to go and do some work.

yeah. i cannot do work if the room is in mega mess.

so basically i spent the whole afternoon, mopping, vacuuming, clearing up rubbish and throwing away stuff like the old newspaper cuttings that i took of the lions during the early 1990s..when they were still champions of the malaysian cup.

haha.

then i threw away some archie comics..which were thankfully saved by my sister. well what can i say, one's person junk is another person's gem.

i threw away lots of junk such as old lousy torned out clothes...useless files...useless books...the old microwave and the rusty old computer table which has been occupying my room for too long.

so there i was ....along with my little sister clearing up the huge mess.

strange to say..it was a good workout.

and psychologically i felt happier.

i guess it's good to be sentimental, but not to the point that one's mementoes become rusty and dusty and dirty.

i had this shoebox in my cupboard...filled with super old christmas cards, wish well cards, hi cards from my secondary school friends.

Yes and i just threw it away because it was taking unnecessary space. (sigh i still have drawers worth of cards, and so on which i cannot bear to throw away..not forgetting the five volumes of offline journals)

perhaps it came to a crunch ....when sentimental stuff may become emotional baggage dragging us on.

haha. it was quite funny because i take on the sentimental side of my dad...and yet i'm quite progressive like my mum.

i remembered how my parents would get into a huge quarrel as my dad loves to keep things and cause unnecessary clutter in the house. whereas my dear mother just loves bulldozing away all the things in her sight, e.g. clutter, whether or not they are still of use.

thank god i'm a fine balance between the two extremes.

yes, it's great to be traditional and nostalgic but not to the point of forgetting that it's time to progress as well.

thus, i decided to cast away negative thoughts about the past year too and about how i feel about some people or some issues which have been bogging me way too much than they should.

yeah we all need a spring-cleaning session once in a while.

like what one of my friends said..clear the toxins in your heart :)

BEAUTY TREATS

The most neglected part of one's body is the feet.

especially for those of us who are working in a line which requires us to walk a lot, stand a lot and prance around a lot.

for me. i have to pamper my poor feet which takes me from class to class.

yes this may sound bimbotic but who cares when i'm happy.

when you look good, you feel good.

When you feel good, you can perform well.

when you can perform well, you feel even better. :)

SO i've always seen shoes and bags as really good investments. you may wear a normal type of clothes, but a good pair of shoes can make you stand out (pun unintended as always.)

there's poise, style and professionalism merging together.

so here's my latest pair of shoes. :)



yesh the same pair which i bought while out with eunice and sophie.

nice right?

i can wear it to work...looking chic and professional.

i can wear it for clubbing or leisure looking chic and happening.

i can wear it for a casual night out with dear friends looking chic and casual.

:) this is what i call...multi-purpose chic.

places i've been to too often in my life

just ask yourself. which are the places which you've been going to too often in your life? And why are you always going back there?

Do you get a sense of deja vu or a recollection of the past?

Just on tuesday morning, i checked the home phone's voice mail, only to hear my dad's cousin's son telling him that the father was ill in the hospital. Apparently the dad fell on saturday and was only admitted into the hospital on sunday because of stroke.

when we headed down to the hospital ward, it felt so surreal and eerie.

i remember going to this particular ward to see my dad who was then admitted for his heart valve problem years back.

somehow, i felt a chill going down my spine and in a strange way i felt as vulnerable as the girl i was back then, clad in my jc uniform.

the irony of it all is my dad is now healthy and now seeing his close cousin in a bad state.

his cousin was quite a proud man, who didn't want to tell his kids that he fell.

He's 79 and singlehandedly took care of his siblings and his mother after he was 12.

He quit school when he had barely finished his psle. but you know what, he spoke perfect english and was quite intellectual despite the lack of opportunities that went his way.

After he retired, he became bored and merely saw his stout and beer as his only past time.

sometimes i do worry about what i would do if i did lose meaning in my life.

and about how those workaholic friends of mine would be like when they become old.

do they realise that work isn't everything, esp when you sit back and relax?

i do worry for one particular special friend who is so preoccupied with his work and all that it affects his mood, health and his usually good temper.

i sometimes wonder if he realises that there is more to work in life.

yeah. sad to say the hospital is one place i've been to too often in my life. often or not, it's a place where i bid goodbye to close relatives such as my grandmother and my mother.

in a strange way, i guess i could relate to why old people hate going to hospitals.

it spooks of death.

sigh.

FOUR YEARS ...

four years is not a short period, but it is also not a particularly long time.

things have changed since the beginning.

expectations. assumptions. loves. likes. dislikes. demands. situations. contexts.

i just wonder if i can simply erase what was done in the past or throw it away like it's something not relevant at all.

i wonder if i could...or if i would ever.

for now..i'll just sink into the realities of the present.

hair and shoe

yeah!!! went out with two of my favourite girls! wink wink. eunice k and sophie. :)

first the lunch. then the talk over lunch. then of course absolute shopping!!!

heh bought this pair of shoes...really loved it.

of course one of my friends wanted to go for a hair cut...and i actually went along!!

ya went to rebond my hair and had a trim. it looked great.

i absolutely felt fantastic la. and so did eunice.

ha. dun really wanna apologise for the simplistic slant this blog is going.

just want to keep things sweet and simple for the moment.

the weekend report

yes. saturday, sunday have passed by.

what happened today and yesterday was such a whirlwind. went to some wedding dinner and then went out to some family dinner again.

suddenly, i felt so tired. the best part was i wasn't exactly doing any work, just spending more time to rest and pamper myself.

i guess it's only when one truly relaxes .....that one realises how the body is feeling - fatigue.

ya got some work to do...which i'm currently procrastinating to do heh. but i'm grateful for this break...to work things out....with myself.

had a good talk with the father in the morning :)

EVER FELT THAT

have you ever felt that despite the best of your intentions..people never received it the way you wanted?

like...you meant well when you give advice, and yet they see it as you being pushy and smart alecky?

or when you want to shower your concern on a friend or someone, and yet that person still see you as an unconcerned person?

or when all you wanted to do is just pass a mere comment...and yet people view it as you being a stubborn nut with just one point of view?

perhaps i was wrong to assume that if i treat people well, they will return the favour, or when i treat them xx the least they could do is this.

yes i was wrong to assume that.

i guess i'm never one who is able to express my feelings effectively to those around me.

perhaps it's because i was a loner since young. or relatively left on my own while my parents were busy working.

perhaps it's time for me to go back to the days when i generally kept to myself.

IT'S MY PARTY

Friday night was really good, catching up with a friend whom i get along so well with. yes we headed down to her friend's club. a new place at robertson quay.

it's called the butter factory, plays rNb grooves and house music. really nice place. open to public from today. :)

a lot of chi-chi people........many models, high-profile celebrities and basically quite a matured/funky/good looking crowd.

of course i felt so small (literally...imagine i'm 1.6m standing next to models who are at least three heads taller than me. hee).

but generally somehow i felt happy, because finally...........someone has come up with a club (actually it's four people) which is so different.

the concept, music and crowd were GOOD.

nice place to chill with friends, but of course next time i'll come with better clubbing gear.


anyway here's their official website :)

www.xanga.com/thebutterfactory

SATURDAY

went to a funfair with a friend to my alma mater's funfair. st nicks.

it was really fab. i've always loved my school despite being an inverted snob who hated her peers. (ha...guess that hasn't changed much.)

the school was so packed with people.

there were pony rides, thrill rides, haunted house, ice balls, games, food, manicure, henna, little rides for the kiddos...etc

and most of all...the key personnels of the school would be dunked if certain amount of donations was given.

one of the most senior personnel actually offered to wear a bikini and be dunked if at least 9k was raised. it was really sporting of her to do so.

but it felt so surreal being back in my old school.

though the surroundings seem so familiar like i knew that was my classroom, that was the place i ate the chicken rice, and that's the place my friends and i hanged out at....

i knew times have changed and the past is no longer relevant now.

also, being out with one of my oldest friends really shook me to reality.

she told me something about myself which i wasn't aware of.

heh yes i am too aggressive at times. just feel sad that i came across as overbearing when i'm merely feeling passionate about something.

ya i'll do something about that of course..just need time to change.

but generally i feel grateful and happy la. just goto make full use of this march hols to really recharge.

it's a long battle ahead of me so i goto be strong, patient and wise about things i say, how i behave etc.

personality test

My Personal Dna Report

THE GRUMPY JUSTAGIRL

yes. i have been feeling sort of impatient lately...with people around me, with things happening and most of all with myself.

i just feel so tired. (yeah if you're tired of reading about how tired i am, i suggest that you ought to head down to technorati's other collections of blogs. wink.)

i'm tired of self-censoring myself all the time just to make people around me happy.

i'm tired of being viewed as different, weird, freakish by some.

i'm tired of being tired of the above.

i guess i am grumpy (duh.)

but what irks me the most is how people LOVE TO assume things without doing something called "further investigation".

seriously...if you're someone who believes in one side of the story and just dives into that view without even thinking "hey..maybe it's not true".......then all i can say to you is... good. your life is simple and uncomplicated.

it's full of blacks and whites with none of the grey in between.

i just wish you would think further the picket fences of your so-called life.

ya in a bitchy mood.

yeah but frankly speaking..i'll get out of this silly rut soon.

i guess from someone who thinks that being friends with everyone, treating everyone the same is a virtue...........i'm starting to just limit my concern, love and friendship for a select few people, because seriously i'm being stretched too thin.

hmmm (for those of you cynics out there who go...HA...what a whiny bitch.. good for you. i salute you...at least you have a mind of your own. smiles.)

ya. guess my resolution for this month is to be happier with myself and with others.

so no worries..i'll be out of this grumpy phase soon.

WHEN WE LOSE SIGHT OF THINGS

some of my friends asked me what happened to my blog.

yes i momentarily deleted it because i felt tired.

it consisted of memories which i wish to forget.

the past year has been painful for me...emotionally. i've always asked god on why he has to put me through this.

i've experienced so-called friends turning against me. knew someone my age who passed away for no reason. went through a lot of soul searching and such.

frankly, never ever felt so exposed and betrayed before.

but seriously speaking........i found peace in tonight's mass.

as much as some people might detest or hate me, i've come to a point of no longer harbouring similar thoughts as them, because i don't want to stoop to their level.

and frankly.. hating someone is such a waste of time. waste of energy.

i just wish people will be more honest with others....and more so with themselves.

sure..the world we live in is a big scary place.........full of people whom we cannot trust.

but what kind of life would you want to live....esp when the life you lead is so filled with secrets and lies?

well... as much as i feel bad about certain things which i failed to do as a friend or as a sister..........i guess there's only so much i can do.

i'm only human afterall. :)

manicure, pedicure

today was virtually a girl-therapy session with one of my closest friends :)

we bitched. we whined. we ate. we shopped. we chatted. we walked. we wondered. we also did manicure together.

yeah! i love the new nail colour :)

heh just feel so recharged already.

THE FEELING OF BEING DRAINED

ay. i realise something about myself though. i have a tendency to give and give and give to people until there's nothing more i can give..and take very little in return. in the end i feel so burnt out that i just feel so tired. burnt out. drained. cynical. jaded.

i had a bit of that feeling throughout this week and it felt horrible.

but of course now i know how to handle it in a better way. i just simply recharge it at the church :)

i really appreciate the quiet times i had at church. for god simply heals and listens to all my cries, worries and concerns.

i just feel so much better after the nice sessions at sunday and monday.

anyway one term just flew past me like that. the rest of the year will be quite a ride, so do pray for me :)

ok folks..that's it. going out now :)

what kind of girl are you

You are a Career Girl!

You may not be a CEO yet, but you're well on your way to success. You take your career seriously, and you wouldn't stop working for any guy! An independent woman, you pay for your own car, clothes, and housing. And men appreciate that - at least, the ones as driven as you are.

What Kind of Girl Are You?

I NOT STUPID 2

last night, went to catch the movies with my colleagues.

ay...on our way there, we were late...so i joked to my colleague that it's ok, since the first few minutes will be some propaganda substitles.

and TRUE ENOUGH...haha there was a narrator saying such things during the first five minutes.

it's quite a touching show........some values which i had applied in my classes.

just feel the moviemaker ought to cut down on the preaching and the moralising.

coz it sometimes feel like my parent nagging at me. (the irony is the show is telling parents not to nag/scold their kids so much.)

other than that feeling happy.

BOWLING ME OVER

Today was a fab day when i went out with a group of friends.

we played bowling and it really brought back memories of how i used to go bowling with some of my friends in my jc class during the first three months.

we would go to some weird place which was either cheap or secluded and we'll simply bowl and bowl and bowl.

back then i was a really self conscious girl...(haha still am..but was worse last time.) i was really bad at bowling, it'll always head for the longkang aka the drain.

it was strange then many years after my phobia with bowling..i finally overcame this fear of hitting the longkang..and scored 56 points...haha after i managed to correct the way i throw the ball.

hee.