NOT GONNA WAKE UP FROM MY DREAMS

the past few days went by ......like a dream. perhaps it's because i've been dreaming most of the time.

in a strange way, even since the holidays began, i felt so tired and sick.

whenever i slept...i just refuse to wake up.

and today......i couldn't tell whether i was dreaming or awake.

sometimes life is like that.

are you willing to wake up from your wild dreams?

or are you going to live out your dreams?

what are dreams really?

desires, hopes, fears?

perhaps dreams are there to fill up the emptiness in our lives.

in a surreal way, i do feel empty in many ways. and in a way, lonely.

not lonely in the sense that i lack friends, but somehow i felt lonely in my battles, lonely in dealing with the way i'm unhappy with life in general.

i guess it's a good wake up call for me.

that i shouldn't have stopped dreaming...........and that i should start living it out.

ROMANTICISED POVERTY

Yeah. sorry i've been superbly busy....so busy that i don't have time to have lunch, chit chat, or even erm do anything frivalous to my liking. basically it's work, finish mundane but urgent stuff, teach, mark, eat a bit, sleep.

certainly it's been a frantic week. sigh.

just glad it's all over and there's the holidays. well almost. guess what. i've decided to have extra remedial lessons during the hols..sigh~ and i'm involved in a camp too. bummer.

what's a girl to do right. sigh

i guess one day.... while my friends and i were on our way to some talk at some place, the topic of whether the arts will survive when there's economic downturn was highlighted.

for me, i felt it will survive somehow, because human beings need some ideals to hold onto, especially during times when they feel erm not too rich? so might as well fill their souls with something since their tummy ain't full.

then again, would the arts be a priority?

i guess friend A felt that if one is willing to forgo one's comfort level, one ought to be able to do it..and fulfil one's dreams.

then again i do wonder if friend A did ever experience how it feels like starving, or preventing yourself from not spending too much or spreeing on things which people your age have.

or how it feels having no money.

i had that feeling before. it was really really crap.

i struggled for about three to four years....feeling uncertain and inadequate.

certainly perhaps people love to romanticise poverty.

sigh but it's seriously not easy and not admirable when you just heck care about the rest of the world just to pursue your ideals.

yeah we don't live in an era where cutting your ear will make you a brilliant artist when you finally die.

or drawing like a child will boost your recognition.

or wondering why the apple falls to the ground is good.

sigh the dark ages has began.

Mr brightside (killers)

I'm coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his—chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

I just can’t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside

I’m coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his—chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

I just can’t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibi
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside

I never...
I never...
I never...

Sometimes in life we wonder why do things end up the way they do when it all started very fine.

on a late sunday evening, my friend and i headed to watch one of the movies offered at the italian movies festival at GV.

It was super fab.

surprisingly the movie was a blast :) (the movie's The life i want)

it was basically about a new actress who showcased more talent in this craft than a veteran actor..

they fell in love..but as time progresses, due to envy and jealousy, they had to break up.

in a strange way i felt like the female lead in many ways.

i realised that i must have been a difficult girlfriend to get along with. i sometimes wonder why men have always felt annoyed when their women do things better than they do.

now i know why.

it's pride.

afterall, how to take care of someone who seems to know it better than you do.

i guess the question my friend and i left with is - what is love.

how is love defined by?

mere fleeting feelings which is determined and swayed by time and content?

or does it come along with responsibility, loyalty and a contract called marriage?

i don't know anymore. i guess i'm still searching for the right answer.

yeah, back to being a drifter.

LEADERSHIP

i went for a leadership forum yesterday with my colleague and the kiddos yesterday and it was quite good actually. there was a good assortment of speakers from various backgrounds such as entertainment, military, business and sports to speak to the young kids about what it takes to be a good leader.

it was particularly inspiring for me because i've always thought of myself as the leader by default since i was young.

in other words, a really relunctant leader.

i never knew why teachers or peers would see me as a leader when

1) i'm not cool
2) i'm a misfit
3) i don't particularly fit in well
4) i'm just not a popular personality to begin with.

but what i learnt as a leader is the true meaning of responsibility and taking care of people under your wing.... meaning ot say that you block them from all the shit and yet share the glory with them when you succeed.

of course some of us have met appalling leaders who take the credit of his team's hard work.

i'm happy to say that such leaders will never succeed in the long term because no one would be willing to work hard for him or her.

but one quote from former minister struck me.

"no one cares how much knowledge you have as much as when they know when you care"

A SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD

Southern Sun Lyrics

Paul Oakenfold
Piece by piece
I release
Once was mine
Now undone
Turned blue
Like New Orleans
And went down like
A southern sun

I still feel blue
Beneath my skin
I am tempted
To throw my senses in

Cos it's easier to fly
Than to face another day
In Southern Sun
And your love is all around

Piece by piece
I release
Once was mine
Now undone
Turned blue like New Orleans
And went down like
A southern sun

I still feel blue
Beneath my skin
I am tempted
To throw my senses in

Cos it's easier to fly
Than to face another day
In Southern Sun
And your love is all around
And in the air to set me free

Set me free

You last like a sun
I'm deflated
I am pieces on the wind
Unrelated

I still feel blue
Beneath my skin
I am tempted
To throw my senses in

Cos it's easier to fly
Than to face another day
In southern sun
And your love is all around
In the air to set me free

Cos it's easier to fly
And in the air to set me free

perhaps the world dislikes strong women

feminism.

it's a dead issue because even women are biased against women.

women who are too independent, headstrong, opinionated, capable, assertive...etc are seen to have unattractive qualities.

and unfortunately i have most of these qualities.

i suppose if i were to change my sexual orientation, there wouldn't be such a problem in the first place. but too bad, i'm a straight lady.

i guess for those of you who know me well.............do know certain facts about my life story and the hard knocks i had to endure now and then.

it's not that i want to be assertive, independent, problem-solver.......i guess such a quality was ingrained in me when i had to survive those circumstances.

it's truly difficult and will be.........

anyway...in the meantime, i figure that i have to get more "me" time. heh.

BALANCE

it's tough to have a balance when every area of your life is facing the dire straits.

it's tough to balance when preconceived notions of what you have come tumbling down on the next day.

sometimes when life knocks hard into you, you really take a step back to review how the way things are going.

i had quite a lot of knocks over the years.

the current one i'm having isn't easy for me because i find it hard to let it go.

but i do not regret how things have been for me.

afterall, without tough lessons, how are we ever going to learn. heh

THE INNER DEMONS IN YOU

All of us have an inner demon.

Or maybe many inner demons.

What exactly is it? basically a mask that you hide because it totally contradicts your true being, the very person whom you are.

for example, i have an inner ah lian who will be revived only when there's a techno song or two.

or another inner demon would be the totally selfish which i may become when provoked by selfish people who've been happily taking advantage of me.

i suppose there's a reason for all these inner demons to exist.

1) reaction to problems -> perhaps we fear our problems that we develop alternative personas.

2) fear -> perhaps we've come to not accept our true being, and so the undesirable parts have to exist in shadows and alternative shadows. think of closet gay or lesbian, or the closet boy band fan. it's our fear of social unacceptance for that aspect.

3) just for the heck of it -> to relieve stress basically. i've always found techno music very fun and energetic. but since there's a general negative stereotype that it is meant for those wolf-whistling, tattoo-clad street hooligans...i've always found it amusing that i like this type of music as i do not fit into the category of a techno fan. ha.

so the question is what is your inner demon and why are you shielding it from public view?

or a more probing question would be...why on earth do you need the inner demon?

GLOOMY HOLIDAYS

One reason why I hate long weekends is that it forces you to drop everything and rethink about your life and its objectives.

are you living your life the way you want it to be?
do you feel fulfilled as a person?
and most of all, are you a happy person or merely satisfied that things are just ok?

tough questions of the soul which only creeps up on you when leisure sets in.

just last night, i met up with an old university friend who asked me out for supper. we were discussing how our fellow coursemates were doing at their career.

quite a number went into teaching other than myself.
a few are going strong in the journalism field, in both international news agencies as well as local papers.
a few have decided to fly.
some are in corporate communications or public relations
some are in the broadcast media side.

i guess time really flies and doesn't wait for anyone.

i've graduated two years ago and what have i achieved as compared to my peers?

well... all i have is a diploma in teaching to boot with, while they are mostly in high-jetting (yet lower starting pay) jobs.

i was seriously rethinking about my career route again.

have i made the right decision?
am i regretting it?

well, as much as i really enjoy imparting knowledge to the younger kids, there's a part of me feeling left out.

the adventure seeker in me is feeling rather bored.

well yeah, i gave up the fast-paced, exciting and unstable life as a journalist to be a nurturer who leads a more stable, slow-paced, enriching life.

i don't exactly regret my choice as i've always viewed this experience as just looking at life at another perspective and angle.

it's just that i don't wish to be stuck in one train station.......and not continuing my life journey.

i surmise that my life-long desires are
1) to see the world (after i've settled the financial damage at home.)
2) to study my master's (yeah after i've come up with enough savings.)
3) take care of my family.

if only there was a job which can give me the stability, pay as well as the excitement.

perhaps after my contract is over, i shall review my choices yet again.

the restless idealist has struck again.

ONE SONG WHICH DEPICTS MY HEART :)

"Pieces" (by Sum 41)

I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I thought it’d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

On my own

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn’t worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It’s hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

----------------------------------

yes ever since i bought that modern rock 2 album, i was hooked particularly to this song, not only because of its fantastic guitar bass assemble but also because it truly expresses the emotions which have been swirling in my heart during the past few weeks.

i have been feeling out of sorts in the past few weeks, possibly a by-product of work stress and the lack of interaction with loved ones and god.

but most of all, i reckon that it must be the result of me trying too hard to be perfect in all ways. as usual.

being the perfect friend, perfect sister, perfect daughter, perfect teacher, perfect colleague, perfect cheongster, perfect worker, perfect student, perfect person.....etc

perfection is indeed unreal because no one is ever really perfect to begin with.

moreover, imperfection may be seen or viewed as an obscure freak of beauty.

then again, it could just be an omen that i'm trying too hard, and should cut myself and those around me some slack.

sigh.

what to do.

i guess that's the most perfect (shit used that word again heh) thing to do is to let imperfect shine through all things we do. and let it be.

LA LA LA IT'S THE LONG WEEKEND

rambling thoughts seem quite fluid in the days of long weekend. heh.

yes, here i am lazing around when work is piling up and screaming for my attention.

yesh.

i am bored.

super duper bored.

super super duper duper bored.

it's time to take up a new hobby, other than the usual few which i find interest in to begin with.

hmm swimming? ha ha. it's quite funny because the plan to learn swimming started five years ago, look at my wonderful track record of procrastinating a simple task such as dipping myself into the water?

hmm wakeboarding? nay, if i cannot even swim, i can forget about going onto a board.

diving? nay. i cannot even float, much less submerge myself into the water?

back to the gym? yeah probably will find myself one nice gym to work my ass at. spotted one nice gym at town...but might be a little too pricey. so see how it goes. heh.

WHAT BLOGS ARE FOR

i was just checking out what some people have been saying about certain blogs. about how pensive they can, outright suicidal sounding or simply depressing.

well, the truth is. one's blog's persona might be a little different from reality, afterall as human beings, we often love to dramatise (or simple over=dramatise) the events, happenings, feelings, thoughts that we all have.

in a way, perhaps our lives are not all that complicated in the first place.

the blog is merely a tool for us to vent our frustrations and irrational feelings into it.

truth be told, i am happy with 70% of the things in my life.

just that, being the silly idealist which i have always been.........i guess i may come across as a negative person.

perhaps so.

it's afterall more cool to be depressed these days, than to be psychopath happy.

quizzies

The Clothes You Wear
What others see from your style

Although to the untrained eye you may seem like a plain dresser who avoids trends, you actually wear carefully designed accessories and clothes that emphasize your uniqueness. You value your freedom and have an artistic mind. You are neither aggressive nor timid, but you believe in yourself.
What your nightclothes reveal

You are friendly and always in good mood. You are candid and helpful, and can be sexy at times too.
What others see from your ties

You are kind and friendly. You are an uncomplicated person and enjoy exciting activities.
What others see from your belts

If there's not a single belt in your wardrobe, you like freedom and are opposed to all kinds of rules. You are creative and very good at work that requires you to stretch your imagination. Your main downfall, however, is that you can be very moody.
What others see from your shoes

You are kind and open-minded. You may not be talkative, but you are friendly and enjoy the company of intelligent people. You always keep the secrets of others, and never play tricks on people.
What others see from your earrings

You are probably an independent and strong-willed person. Fairness is important to you, and you always stand up for what you believe in. You are friendly and get along well with people.
The last analysis

You are probably a clever and adventurous person. You love to learn new things, and enjoy socializing with friends. Although you enjoy your freedom, you cherish peacefulness and like to spend time alone with your thoughts.

wander lust

just yesterday as the sweet sounds of lounge music unfolds in the air, my friends gathering together for a drink and a joke, some strange alienating thought came into my mind.

i feel lonely.

yes, as strange as it sounds, this is the feeling i've been getting for quite a long time.

as much as i'm surrounded by people and am loved by my friends and family, this lonely feeling has been stuck with me since the day i'm born heh.

(or rather since the day i knew the existance of it.)

this just reminds me of the time when i'm at my grandmother's place, feeling pensive about my own presence, I was only four to five years old then. like.....

am i dreaming that i'm living a life.
what if i was in a coma, and this life is but a dream?
Or what on earth am i doing on this erm earth?

come to think of it, i suppose I had these morbid thoughts even as a young child, much less a cynical adult.

yeah, this loneliness never went away as i was always left on my own, and as a result of that, my mind wandered to the depths of .......hmm loneliness? heh

HA HA HA

yeah i need a vacation.

i need a break

i need a new job? nay not just yet lah.

i was just reading one of my friends' blogs..about how sweet her students were to her.

it brought a smile on my face......as it made me recall my initial months of teaching, where i stumbled a lot, made so many mistakes, stepped on so many people's toes... had dramatic moments....had students being nice to me. some showing their disdain openly.

yeah

it only seemed like yesterday when i stepped into that school with bushy tail and wide-eyed.

it only seemed as if those kids were merely sec 1.

yet, i feel as if i've aged so much.........

and in a nice way, i feel so blessed for having nice students.

i suppose yes, this may not be the most respected job or coveted one in today's society, but it surely makes my day when I see the sparkle in their eyes, when they win something, or get into the cca that they want.

it's the little things that matter eventually.

yeah, i'm a poor idealist.......... i can never be the money grabbing media mogul or the crazy money-making machine.

i just want live my ideal.

and hopefully my kids can find theirs too in this wretchedly pragmatic society.