STATE OF MIND: ZEN

This video is awesome and the track is fab. sort of the state of my mind nowadays... random muse random tune which leads to an unusually organised state.

yeah i sort of found this randomly. :)

For those of you who prefer a more sombre piece. heh i love this dance track.



and last but not least...my favourite tune of 2006/7 Dedicated to evy. heh

JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING TO PERK YOU UP

And I don't mean the cup size.

heh.

today was a blase day with the Sun blazing... fantastic day to go blading or swimming.

so there i was running some errands and randomly headed to that cd shop along scotts road, and before i knew it...i randomly found the tune that my bestie and i hum and sway to when we hit the clubs.

yeah that was the era of lots of fun and laughter, hope we can the zest back.

the ibiza spirit.

and yes i bought that cd.

music is indeed good for your soul.

on a separate note, forced myself to head to the gym to lose some weight and tone up yet again. somehow exercising does strengthen you.

yeah i am feeling weak and sian about something. hate the tension.

but somehow i became more disciplined.

perhaps the timer at the treadmill helped.

just 5 more seconds to go.... just 5 minutes to go.... just a few more moments before the sick feeling of missing a sick person will go away. :)

TENTATIVE

everything is so tentative in this world.

priorities, wishes, interests, loves and even job security.

since young, we're just simply encouraged to pile up those building blocks of lego so that we can feel a sense of achievement. but little do we know, it'll just end up like a jenga game.

everything just topples.

the higher you build, the greater the collapse.

and sometimes i wonder if i should bother climbing higher....only to face even greater disappointment.

emptiness fills my heart and there is a hollow deep within where no prayer, no consolation or advice can ever fill it up.

the fact is..once dug from within, the pain will never ever go away.

that is the truth. and that is the fact.

instead of pretending that it does not exist.... or that it's tentative...or trying too hard to fill it up, just accept the fact that things are just there for a reason.

whether we face obstacles or joy, happiness or sorrow, achievements or degrading moments....all are just tentative.

everything will just come to nothing.

sigh.

just another week without no work

it's been a crazy hectic week.

just amazed at how i survived once again.

then again what's new.

my life is just work, work work, go home, bathe, eat, finish more work before i speak less than 10 sentences to the three family members and then log onto computer...say hi to friend a, b and c...before hitting the sack.

only to wake up at an insane hour to go to work...and the cycle continues

oh well...that's how meaningful life gets i suppose.

and yes....somehow work turns you into a person you're no longer...

i actually overslept and made my bestie wait for me...

sigh

just lucky that she's a sweetie who forgives me besides my terrible attitude at times.

and ....the more i tried to control my spending..i actually bought 3 cheap tops, one pair of shoes and signed up for yoga classes. yes you might be asking what am i thinkig.

i should have some fiscal control!!!

BUT...i have you know that I BOUGHT EVERYTHING AT DISCOUNTED RATE...and the yoga class was a steal..bargained to the last penny..hahaha

ok... once weekend is over...

another round of madness.

reckon

yeah. finally managed to get some decent sleep after trying too hard to do too many things at one go.

1) finish horrendous marking within the dreadfully tight deadline
2) figure a way out on how to manage my different jobscopes and at the same time don't go insane
3) not sleep and yet finish what i goto do.

too many things to do and too little time.

but in the strange spate of things.... some sense of optimism managed to seep into the little pea brain of mine, which is often infused with negativity.

1) even though i can't please everyone, or expect to be accepted by all, i should be happy the way i am. yeah sure, i get grouchy and terrible at times, but who doesn't.

2) someone commented that "i'm a teacher= achievement" with a loud meh...seriously, yeah true, material wise, i look as if i live for paper and red pens but my work life is more than just slashing red lines all over what were known as trees.

3)yeah, my life may suck now, my work and love life is non-existant but so what. i will survive it. i will live through it.

in short, just glad that the exercising did more good for my mind and soul rather than just for my body.


countdown to two more mad months of the year.

After a crazy period at work

yes i've finally recovered after feeling quite tired for the past few weeks.

one round of madness is over, so now it is onto another round of madness.

and the worst part about resting is...the procrastination sigh

the wonders of friendship

just the other day i was grumbling and feeling lonesome...

as much as it's cheesy, just grateful that i had friends around me to rally around me.........to support me......to rebuke me for being silly.........to gently remind me that it is ok to feel inadequate sometimes.


yeah i've gotten my act together, slowly gaining back my confidence and health through going to the gym more regularly.

it's quite odd to see that suddenly i see my purpose of life through sports.

maybe there's a closet athelete in me waiting to get out. haha. god forbid that to happen given that i've always been the clumsy silly one who take longer time to pick up a sport or even get the posture right.

yupz. the wonders of friendship.

Deja vu

hmmm i was just reading an old blog entry in Dec 2006. almost a year ago. it's funny how our memory fails us...and yet a written account reminds us of what exactly we were feeling and thinking then.

yeah. i've dragged this long time. enough chances were given. maybe to begin with..i was just imagining that he liked me. sigh oh well. it's time to put an end to this.

the blog entry:
"we had what we called a three-weeks break. never saw him, never hear from him, and in a sense, i've also decided not to contact him.

until i saw him walk past me in one of the clubs.

i don't know why, i just messaged him. and he messaged back to ask who was i with and where was i.

and pride took over. i just said i was leaving and gave him a vague answer of whom i was with.

then, of course there was one confrontation meeting. where i questioned him on why he miaed for a period before telling me the truth.

then, there was a few cold/polite sms exchanges.

and the night i told myself i would resolve from contacting him.

the funny thing is....friends and i wanted to go to Place A. but place A was closed, so we headed for another venue. while queueing at that venue, he walked past....and he saw me...i saw him... lingered glance.

and then the exchange of cold/polite sms.

i don't know what to call him. fate? god making me face up to my fears? coincidence? stalking?

guess i'll just let the drama of my life unfold by itself...while i sit back and relax."

DETACHMENT AND ATTACHMENT

just the other night by the dam, as i was whispering rather solemn thoughts to my dear friend D, we were talking about the problems with love and life.


sometimes in the worst scheme of things, the person you adored or grew attached to...somehow has a strange inverse relationship with you.

the more attached you are to the person, the more he tries to run away from you and engage in deception and denial that will only manage to make you feel anguished and hurtful for a long time to come.

or

the more you grow detached and become as ice cold and mysterious as the ice berg that sank the titanic (sorry if i got too lyrical...must be the marking of horrid comprehension that made me strive not to be affected by the bad english); the more the person tries to get back into your life.

i don't know!

the first time i felt super emo about this whole affair earlier last month was basically simple yearning and missing.

but now... it's more like "i just want to get out of this pit fast! but i'm afraid to look back and regret as i see the light at the end of the tunnel"

tired of this tennis game

tired of being the silly one who bothers to initiate and care

tired of being the fool

tired of feeling emo

yearning to go back to my robotic self.

yearning to go back to the comfort of the logical world.

ARGH.

pessimistic thoughts

snappy, terrible and very defensive.

yeah that's me for most of 2007 and possibly for most of my life.

i have many issues at hand........and i think i'm losing it. sigh

guess only god can save me.

the only thing is........ i've decided to stop talking to him for a long long while.