flight

Music. the entrance to our soul. the extreme expression of our emotional self. the outlet of our frustration. the medium and platform through which we express our hopes and dreams.

yeah. analyse the music you listen to and it gives you a very good idea of your mental state.

and as i observed the type of music i have listened to.

here are some common points
1) Flight...somehow the lyrics point to one common thing. "I wanna fly with you" "sunshine, when you're with me i can fly"

-> perhaps it shows a calling for me, or rather a yearn to break free from the clutches of bureacracy and the rigid system that i feel so trapped in.
-> Perhaps my wanderlust for freedom is starting to build up again just after i have build a comfort zone around me.

2) Ibiza/meaningless cheesy techno music

maybe this is just another sign of escapism. Apparently techno is associated with ah bengs, drugs that make one feel high, gives one a false sense of anticipation and joy haha...

maybe i just need a temporary source of relief something that makes me "high" even when i'm feeling low.

so ...what tunes are you listening to today?

maybe you'll find out more about yourself... thru the notes and words penned carefully by the song writer...than through those cheesy self help books and tarot cards.

Crazy Baby

dedicated to that someone who always manages to confuse me sigh.

NICE AWARDS :)

somehow when one reaches rock bottom and other than the devil and the deep blue sea...there's nowhere else to head to but to float upwarsd...true true.

for some reason i'm feeling high and happy. perhaps it's because of the extra exercise...yeah started going back to the gym to shed the excess weight i put on, gain back my health and of course get rid of the emotional baggage i've been carrying way too long.

or could it be my bunch of supportive friends who never saw me in a judgemental light and yet persist in encouraging me whenever i felt like the worst piece of shit in the world, mumble endless hours of irrational emo.

so i've decided to pass on the niceness award which my dear friend sue has endowed on me...aww.


so here i am trying to give my own set of niceness award.

feels good.... after watching endless cheesy hours of oscars heh.



Sue -for being the nicest sweetest friend who's there to offer me sweet and sound advice when i really needs it. for the crabby moments and introducing me to her world of gaming :) love u sis.

Evy - for being the best sister i never had. my fellow partner in crime when it comes to doing fun stuff.For being there for me when i was down and up. For your forgiving nature when i let you down. muacks :)

Daniel - for being the bitchy partner in crime at work. for those gossip and bitchy sessions. and my fellow contestant in irritation.

Grace - for giving me the indian spice which i truly lack in my life haha :) being such a great friend.

Dawn - for being the wonderful fellow whiner and diner and being a fab friend for the past ....shhh.... almost 8-9 years. god i know u for so long.

Sanjay - for being the totally wonderful friend who listens to me with unbiased ears and eyes. buddie for life. :)

Self Love

if year 2005 taught me that i just got to learn to be patient while year 2006 taught me to take things easy and enjoy the moments. year 2007 has got to be the one where i learn to love myself properly.

Self love is something not well preached in the circles of Asian culture because we're always expected to place other people's needs before our own. to do otherwise will be interpreted as being selfish, individualistic and maybe simply a rebel in society.

i've always believed in taking care of other people's needs...but over the years i realised that maybe before i can take care of people, i just need to take care of myself first.

it's been a hard year where the stress and disappointments in my life has taken a toll on my health and emotional well-being.

many a times i wonder, what have i done to deserve this.

now i think i have done a lot to deserve this.

first, i didn't love myself enough to shun away individuals who were simply out to make use of me.

second, i didn't love myself enough to say ok that's it folks, i can't do more, i'm tired.

i just soldier on.

doing a google search on the definition of self love brought me to this website.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Barrett1.html

which says "When we can be kind and forgiving in this way to ourselves we are better able to be that with others. Unconditional and forgiving self-love fosters unconditional and forgiving love of others."

so when was the last time you gave yourself a treat or a pat on the back when others around you have failed to do so?

i've spent too much time seeking validation from those around me...maybe it's time for me to seek validation from within.

just some moments in time

there is a split second when you realised you're in love or in hate.

and in the fraction of the second, you can feel the vibe from someone.

somehow you just know.

whether or not you hate, feel , love, envy that someone.

and when you finally do, you realise oh shit what have you done.

every single cheesy tune or music that moves you...reminds you of that person.

the songs that tell you the person's not the one.

the songs whose lyrics speak for the yearning you have for that somebody.

and the movie scenes that try to coax you gently that maybe it's time for you to move on and not wait for someone who won't just budge.

if you ever have any of those heart aching moments....welcome to my world :)

Gigi D' Agostino - I'll Fly with You

one of my favourite tunes of techno..and i've found it :)

THE PAST SUBSTANCE

there are many occasions when i stop and think about what had happened to me in the past and then shed a tear.

true the past is something that has already happened and the least we can do for ourselves is just to simply let it go. but is it really so simple as that?

sometimes i think life deals with people with a harsh card.

those of us who start out with a relatively happier childhood and youth will tend to do better in life than those of us who struggle with childhood traumas and painful teenhood while grappling with the pains of growing up.

sometimes i wonder if i am indeed overcompensating with my adulthood now...by behaving childishly at times..for the very times i was forced to deal with adult issues with my little teenaged or child-like hands.

one dear friend told me perhaps it's all these bitter experiences that made me who i am and what made me a better person.

but is it really all worth it?

Raul Midón - Sunshine

the longer version. :p

Raul Midon 'sunshine' David Morales!

Raul Midon - Sunshine lyrics

Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly
Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly

Every day I wonder why
Peace on earth’s so hard to find
Real peace begins inside
In our hearts and in our minds
Hearts and minds begin to see
That one and all means you and me
And what we know can set us free
Rearrange reality

Reality is what we know
We can change a river’s flow
Plant a seed, watch it grow
Build a shelter, build a home
Home is where my heart will stay
Even when I’m far away
Makes no difference what they say
As long as you will be my sunshine

Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly
Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly


When I’m feeling sad and low
And I’m not sure where to go
And all the good times that I’ve known
Have gone and left me all alone
All alone I’ll never be
Long as you are here with me
You’re in everything I see
And everything I’m doing
All I do I do for you
You’re my sun, you’re my moon
Every lazy afternoon
You’re my inspiration
Inspiration lights the way
Brings a sparkle to each day
Makes the dark clouds go away
Let us let the children play

Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly
Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly
Music is the reason why
People laugh people cry
Sing and dance and clap their hands
It’s how the whole world understands
Understands that we are one
Makes no difference what you’ve done
Or where you live under the sun

We are only human
Only human yes it’s true
Still the mystery is you
And the sky so clear and blue
Makes every day feel so brand new
Brand new day throughout the world
For all the little boys and girls
If everybody lends a hand
We can live together!

Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly
Sunshine when you’re with me I can fly

The Saturday film and chat

it was a fulfilling weekend spent at the Arts House where it was screening this controversial movie about two boys who reconnected through their sexual abuse as boys. The movie, mysterious skin, is cutting edge, painfully truthful and weaved very seamlessly through great narration of the two main cast with the good use of flash backs and present day. yet the good use of lighting and scene transition seen through the eyes of two young eight-year-olds was fab.

I guess it wasn't draggy and doesn't force the audience to take pity on the characters but rather feel what the characters go through. yet it left me and my friend, fern, feeling rather as traumatised and violated as the two young boys in the show.

this is the synopsis from the arts house website.

"A disturbing childhood mystery of two individually desperate teens—one believes he was abducted by aliens, the other works as a hustler—who become reconnected by the sexual abuse they shared as boys. The secret denials of the American middle class against the backdrop of a vintage red-state political world add to the shock and awe of this daring film. With work such as The Living End and The Doom Generation, Gregg Araki has never been one to shy away from controversy, and, in adapting Scott Heim's novel, he's made his most demanding, provocative and, indeed, his finest film to date."

http://www.theartshouse.com.sg/event_details_2007.php?id=614

of course this was followed up by great chat with another friend who met up with me for coffee. sometimes we do wonder about the weird tribulations of people around us and the wonderment of love affairs which just left us feeling dumbfounded.

sometimes i guess going with the flow and taking it easy is better than getting obsessive over whether a relationship works out or not.

i reckon this short one week break was what i needed in gaining real perspective on a lot of things i've been doing. reflection. ponder. wonder. realise. being convinced by my inner voice to do what i feel ought to be done :)

doubt and renewal of faith

there are some moments in life you believe so strongly in something and yet that something eludes you even more? have you ever had those heart wrenching moments that feel like a lifetime...tormenting you every single and every minute?

that was how i felt since young. the depth of loneliness, alienation, being ostracised, having great deal of self-doubt, low self-esteem, feelings of rejection and being undermined.

somehow i managed to still do pretty decently in life despite the above.

i always believe that there is a certain super power up there who looks after us, despite the sufferings that we go through in life.

but of course, like any typical whiny human being, i would indulge in self pity and cynical doubt in everything else except myself.

then today...somehow..i sort of figured things out once again.

i was reading time magazine's coverage on mother theresa's once unpublicised letters, where she revealed a great deal of doubt on her faith and therefore despite it all...she still went ahead with her vision of helping the poorest of the poor.

of course naysayers might say she is not as almighty as the media or the church has put her to be.

but seriously speaking, who are we to comment on what she has done with such great insight and courage?

i guess i can understand how mother theresa must have felt in all those years of loneliness..the feelings of being abandoned by god.

and worse still...having people around you who view your insecurity and sense of abandonment as a silly sign of immaturiy of faith.

there were times i felt totally abandoned...and fed to the dogs by god. sometimes i do question myself and him and everyone else...if god really loves me...why does he put me through so much shit.

ya..everyone has his or her own shit to clear in life.

but i always felt.. it's wrong for us to judge other people's tribulations because...we are not in that situation and therefore not in the right position to judge.

all in all... doubt and faith may reinforce each other in the end.

emotion and logic

one of my closest friends told me that i tend to deviate between the emotional or logical mode. Yeah i have those zealous logical moments...and then when i get down..i get superbly emo.

i guess that's how i confuse people sometimes. one moment i seem so rational and calm, the next i will panic and start becoming super grouchy,

but my good friend is the opposite, he possesses the ability to have both happening at the same time.

amazing stuff.

so here comes the dilemma.

what if i like someone..hypothetically i dislike the person's profile and yet "love" the person's company.

sigh.

Bora Bora Ibiza - RED AND YELLOW (MANUAL OF LOVE 2)

nothing beats the tunes of ibiza :)

the movie and catch up

yeah monday turned out not to be so blue afterall as grace and i headed to the movies to watch ratatouille.

turned out to be a really nice animation. basically no more pretentious trying to hard to please the audience type.

feel good movie with some feel-good factor about being comfortable in your own skin or ratty fur in this instance.

i love its theme anyone can cook.

such spin and satire on all those ridiculous cook shows where it goes somethings like "If X can cook, so can you" type of nonsense. heh.

but it also struck a chord in me that...sometimes in all our eagerness to excel too much, we don't cut enough slack for ourselves to feel inadequate and then we try too hard to bend towards other people's expectations.

Is the society's definition of perfection an indicator of our own self satisfaction? or does it just merely feed into people's insecurities only to leave us feeling even more unwanted ever before?

anyway on other notes,

i don't know but sometimes i do wonder if in the pursuit of achieving my goals am i turning to the person whom i detest?

under stress and a lack of sleep...well terrible combination, caught myself turning nastier than usual to people around me...which makes me wonder sometimes if what i am doing is really worth the while.

then again... perhaps i seriously need all these time out moments..in order to feel alive and human.

ok. there you go. a very blah input from me yet again.

but heck. anyone can blog :p

colour my eyes -Mark Norman presents Celine - tiesto mix

good song...sweet sounds of tiesto.