this really turned out to be the year of meeting people i haven't seen for a long while.
one of them is my friend S...my jc junior, sec sch junior..whom i haven't talked to since 2000.
our friendship is quite unique... like i just went up and said hi to her at college when i saw her in the familiar blue pinafore uniform which i wore for 10 years of my life.
and yes... our dinner became the "what happened since then" sort of thing.
and one thing she said was true. she wouldn't date guys who have the same ailment as she does.
perhaps in a way i understood that totally.
why slim shady wouldn't want me.....coz in me he saw the plump side of him before he lost weight.
and why i didn't like arrogant guys ...because i saw a little of myself in that.
but am i destined to only attract unstable guys who are never sure of what they want in life?
Pain. The underused word. The romance of human suffering that is beautifully captured in almost every wonder of man's words, films, works, books, movies and even art.
so yeah... i finally plucked the courage to transfer my emotional pain, the pain that was buried in my heart for a long time to the physical arena.
but before i dwell on the wonders of physical pain, let me just say that i had enough of longing for people who no longer cared for me as much as i cared for them.
so as the needle infused its permanent ink into my tender skin on my back, my negative emotions pulsed directly to the new beautiful wound.
i thought of my ex, the one i almost married and loved the most...yet the one who also let me down the most. recently i made peace with him and became friends again, yet i knew...deep down the feelings still run deep. but now the bitterness is all gone.
i thought of slim shady, the guy who was really my soul mate, one i could understand just by that look or a nudge at the hand. the one who knew how to make me happy instinctively, and yet the one who also carelessly broke my heart and made use of me.
i thought of random guys who treated me badly...and told myself, i love myself so much more so i won't tolerate such behaviour or be affected by such attitude anymore.
and the vibrating needle jerks me to my senses.
i realise i was happy again. truly stripped of all those emotional burdens that i kept too long for my own good.
when i saw the splendour of its bloom....
i told myself.......wow. this is truly a metaphor of my life.
a cross....which has three curves which symbolise my sisters, and it also symbolises christ who loves me despite it all.
then there's this rose that is twined around it. it's me. filled with thorns, sorrow, pain and anguish.
yet... i managed to bloom because of god's true blessing.
i can't exactly say that i am ultimately happy
but i can say i feel blessed and for once.....love myself so much more.
when i was younger, i used to love climbing up the double-decked bed by the side, by the ladder over and over again. it seems addictive and familiar and fun....so much so that i knew every nook and cranny.
as i get older, i get too used to this comfort zone by referring too much to the past. it could be an old friend, the usual food i used to eat for the trizillionth time or maybe the old surroundings of school and home.
and then now i start to view this with somewhat jaded eyes and something in me stirred.
i just didn't want to be stagnant anymore.
no more delayed emotions or wishing and moping and hoping.
when the chapter is closed, it ought to stay that way. there's no point flipping the pages back to get back to where you lost time.
so in 2006 and 2007, where i wasted too much time on waiting for things to unfold or even hope that the past glories will repeat themselves, this year my motto is......heck care and just enjoy myself haha.
Artist: Sean Kingston Album : Sean Kingston Song: Beautiful Girls
Lyrics :
You're way too beautiful girl That's why it'll never work You'll have me suicidal, suicidal When you say it's over Damn all these beautiful girls They only wanna do your dirt They'll have you suicidal, suicidal When they say it's over
Verse 1: See it started at the park Used to chill at the dark Oh when you took my heart That's when we fell apart Coz we both thought That love lasts forever (lasts forever) They say we're too young To get ourselves sprung Oh we didn't care We made it very clear And they also said That we couldn't last together (last together)
Refrain: See it's very define, girl One of a kind But you mush up my mind You walk to get declined Oh Lord... My baby is driving me crazy
Chorus: You're way too beautiful girl That's why it'll never work You'll have me suicidal, suicidal When you say it's over Damn all these beautiful girls They only wanna do your dirt They'll have you suicidal, suicidal When they say it's over
Verse 2: It was back in '99 Watchin' movies all the time Oh when I went away For doin' my first crime And I never thought That we was gonna see each other (see each other) And then I came out Mami moved me down South Oh I'm with my girl Who I thought was my world It came out to be That she wasn't the girl for me (girl for me)
Refrain: See it's very define, girl One of a kind But you mush up my mind You walk to get declined Oh Lord... My baby is driving me crazy
Chorus: You're way too beautiful girl That's why it'll never work You'll have me suicidal, suicidal When you say it's over Damn all these beautiful girls They only wanna do your dirt They'll have you suicidal, suicidal When they say it's over
Verse 3: Now we're fussin' And now we're fightin' Please tell me why I'm feelin' slightin' And I don't know How to make it better (make it better) You're datin' other guys You're tellin' me lies Oh I can't believe What I'm seein' with my eyes I'm losin' my mind And I don't think it's clever (think it's clever)
You're way too beautiful girl That's why it'll never work You'll have me suicidal, suicidal, suicidal...
